Sometimes, a client comes to a psychologist and says that she cannot relax around her loved one. She often restrains herself, doesn’t talk about her needs or thoughts, and does everything to make her partner happy, fulfilling all their wishes. However, in doing so, she doesn’t show her true self, forgets about her own needs, or, more precisely, puts them on the back burner. All of this stems from a fear of abandonment. She believes that if she is abandoned, it means she is not good enough, not loved, not needed. This would lead to feelings of loneliness and the pain of separation. These emotions are very frightening, so she constantly maintains the illusion of her “goodness,” wrapping it in a beautiful package and hiding the contents. This futile trick consumes a lot of energy. As a result, the sense of joy and satisfaction in these relationships diminishes. Tension and aggression build up, which are needed to push away the source of dissatisfaction. The desire to create distance emerges and is projected onto the partner. The woman starts to think that her partner wants to leave her. However, at the same time, she still desires love and closeness, which require reducing the distance. These two needs contradict each other, creating internal conflict. All of this happens because she doesn’t fully accept herself (certain parts of her personality). Once again, projection comes into play: “It’s not that I don’t accept myself; it’s that my loved one won’t accept me.”
It might seem simple on the surface, but delving deeper reveals shame for certain qualities, a repulsion/rejection that was introjected during childhood (often from parents). The child perceives the parents’ disapproval as a rejection, a deprivation of love, which is crucial for a child. Therefore, the child is willing to give up parts of themselves (their identity) to stay in contact with the parents and be loved.
This is how a child learns to meet others’ expectations, ignore their own “self,” and feel shame in front of others. The feeling of shame disrupts authentic contact. If the connection remains important, unacceptable parts of the “self” must be hidden. If not, the person will withdraw from that contact.
Thus, the fear of being abandoned by a partner is deeply rooted in childhood.